thinking....

Been a rather busy week... ... In search of a new office space, as my current lease is finishing. Searched quite a number of spaces but in vain. During this period of searching, on and off i just think of mum. How time fly, its been 3 weeks since she passed on. Not a single day i dont think of her. The dearly misses of her just gets stronger and stronger. At times i think, of how nice it will be to be able to talk to her again. Images of that fatal day of me carrying her down the stairs just upsets me. How I really wished that all these are just a dream. A bad dream that I can awake from. I still cant come to terms of the truth. For the truth cuts me deep and painful. Its also been 3 weeks since I "really" sleep. Been sleeping after 5am plus or so. Every night, as I sit in the living room looking at mum's photo just pains me so much. So much so that I feel like giving up on all things. The choice isnt for me, as I need to be responsible towards my family, my wife and my 2 children.

This dark moment that I am experiencing just brings much anger in me. I hate the fact of the truth, hate the reality of life. At times, I ask of GOD, why did HE let my mum passed on without any last words to me... ... Why am I not given a chance to tell her "I love You". Questions of such just dwell in me. I have much regrets in my life. This regret will forever be with me. I cant forgive myself at all... ... Wendy told me last night that its a lesson I must learn. To treasure my family and not have another regret. I wish I could, I wish I would... ... but I am in between of my business and family. The time I spent in office is just too long. I also wish to have a balance but I just cant.