505 days

505 days, 1 year, 4 months and 18 days. That marks the days of life without her. It's been a long while since i last wrote anything this blog. The wound is still as fresh as that day. Many said that time will head the pain and lost. To me, I don't feel any difference in it.

Yes, I managed to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. A great improvement since the last. However, the pain in me still dwells. These few days, i just seem to miss her even more and badly. To know of the fact, that is her birthday. Every year the celebration with her and my kids will just be memories. Not longer can i do that. How to wish that i can once again talk to her. Even if it's just a 5 mins conservation. That will be great and fulfilling for me.

Mum, i miss you dearly....

confusion...

I ask of GOD till now. Why did he ever took her away without any last words to me. The concept of this, fills myself in chill cold feeling. I am cold towards a lot of things till to date. Many things seem very unimportant in my perspective. Sure, I still loves my family, my kids and wife. Besides these, everything seem so unimportant. My career and business I pay little attention to.

Just wondering, is this the concept of life and the truth about life? Or its just myself? As i am writting this, I am not even sure what I am putting down on words. So much confusion dwells inside of me. I am just a confused soul living in this weakly humanly body of mine.

beef noodle....

Monday, 5:35pm: Been a crazy day for me. Hate Mondays as I usually run about all my sites viewing at the progress. Only now did I realised that I have yet to eat. Went over to famous Hock Lam Beef Noodle to take a quick bite. Everything seems the same, till the noodle arrives.

Looking at this bowl of beef noodle, then I realised that it was also mum's favorite. Recalled that while I was young, our family was very poor then. Not a single furniture in our 3 rm HDB in Ghim Moh. Its really just the basic. 4 walls surrounding us and nothing more. Many items that filled our house were things which many discarded. Remembered that there was a famous beef noodle stall in Ghim Moh. Mum always wanted to eat, but she was not willing to do so. The reason was simple, she rather give it up just to give it to us. As i stared at my meal, so much emotions just filled me up. Mum always give up things just for me and my sisters.

Where am I during her last few days? I was not even there to talk to her. No last words or her friendly voice greets me now. I really missed her so much. I just cant come to terms that I no longer see her. Nor am I able to talk to her. I really wonder where is she now... ... Is she like Wendy said, watching us above there? I am not too sure myself. I ask of GOD to why HE takes her away from me. For this, I will never know. Maybe till the day arrives. Not a single day, that little things around me reminds me of mum. And of such a bastard son I am. Not even a chance to talk to her on that fatal day. I regret each day for not given that chance.

thinking....

Been a rather busy week... ... In search of a new office space, as my current lease is finishing. Searched quite a number of spaces but in vain. During this period of searching, on and off i just think of mum. How time fly, its been 3 weeks since she passed on. Not a single day i dont think of her. The dearly misses of her just gets stronger and stronger. At times i think, of how nice it will be to be able to talk to her again. Images of that fatal day of me carrying her down the stairs just upsets me. How I really wished that all these are just a dream. A bad dream that I can awake from. I still cant come to terms of the truth. For the truth cuts me deep and painful. Its also been 3 weeks since I "really" sleep. Been sleeping after 5am plus or so. Every night, as I sit in the living room looking at mum's photo just pains me so much. So much so that I feel like giving up on all things. The choice isnt for me, as I need to be responsible towards my family, my wife and my 2 children.

This dark moment that I am experiencing just brings much anger in me. I hate the fact of the truth, hate the reality of life. At times, I ask of GOD, why did HE let my mum passed on without any last words to me... ... Why am I not given a chance to tell her "I love You". Questions of such just dwell in me. I have much regrets in my life. This regret will forever be with me. I cant forgive myself at all... ... Wendy told me last night that its a lesson I must learn. To treasure my family and not have another regret. I wish I could, I wish I would... ... but I am in between of my business and family. The time I spent in office is just too long. I also wish to have a balance but I just cant.

the celebration... ...

As usual for years, we cut cake in celebration for Mothers' Day & Fathers' Day. Not sure of when did this little custom came about into my family. The most excited member of all is little Sharilyn. She just enjoys the moment of cutting the cake. This year is different, mum is no longer in the family photo. As i downloaded the photos from my digital camera. I can sensed the emptiness in dad. A complete family photo it will never be. At times, it just pains me to see the emptiness in dad. For so many years, he had been living with mum. Now i can feel how helpless and empty his life is. I can see no anger in him nor the quick temper that he usually behaves in. This is a complete different dad whom I have know all these years.

Many things are still like a dream. I have yet come to terms in losing my mum. I so wish that all these is just a dream. However, it isnt. I will never wake up from this dream. Hopefully, time can wash off and lessen my pain. But I clearly know that time can never wash away my loss. For now, I will try to pickup my pieces and continue with my life.

Father's day LUNCH... ...

21st of June 2009, Father's Day is this day. Call of celebration as many did. For me, its just another day in the calender. I cannot even recall, as I have been walking and feeling like a zombie for days. Just that occasional smile and laughter from me. Many things seem so "empty".

Sioklan woke me up, saying that we are having lunch in Orchid Country Club. Only then, did I remember that its THE DAY. Then, I recall mummy saying during Mother's Day that baby Matthew is here to celebrate Father's Day with all. That statement was only made just 2 weeks ago. How time flies. Its Father's Day, but mum is here to celebrate with us. Now its my 4th year of being a daddy. A DAY that i am worthy to celebrate. In the cafe, I am always looking out at families in 3 generations. Many I envy as I look. Sudden, emptiness fills my heart. The thought of mum not around, just fills me with unhappiness. Looking at dad eating, I can sense his emptiness and loss. I feel so sorry for dad. All these happenings are so sudden for him to bear. At times, I am just so worried about his well being. I am now so afraid of losing him.