rumors

Yesterday my wife received a call from her mum. The conversation that they shared were to much surprises. Its really how words of an individual can travelled and become rumors. She heard from "someone" that i cut botak and is emotional unstable. Which resulted in that phone call, as my mum-in-law is worried and concern about me. I am truly grateful for the concern that shared and rendered during this moment of my time.

I decided to start this e-blog in remembrance of my mum and as a tool in communicating my feelings and emotions of how i feel to my sisters, wife and close friends who at this same time shared my pain and is concern for me. This blog isnt made to be gossip and rumor area. While many read of my feelings and postings, words are exchanged between each. Which many of times, resulted in nothing but rumors. I hope that whoever you are, just read and thats it. For this moment in my life, I do not wish to be in any position of explaining myself and my actions to anyone.

The Power of word KILLS and is more deadly than the power of actions.

1st meal

Today is 20th of June 2009. This is the day i will remember for life. Till death i shall bear this date of importance. This is the day for my wife who i know for 11 years, made her attempt in cooking soup for me. I was in office for a meeting, as i need to travel once again next week to China for my materials sourcing for a new nightclub that i am undertaking now. The soup and meal was delivered by wendy, my kind angel.

Soup tasted far from mum's usual cooking. But knowing the fact that its from the hands of my wife, just makes the difference. For years, i have been attempting to get her to cook and learn a dish or two from mum. However, every attempt fails badly and we always ended up in a "nasty" conclusion. Her attempt in cooking just surprises me. For cooking was never her interest.

I guess its strange that now my family is attempting many things for THE FIRST time. The first of so many things just put me in a strange emotion and feeling. For it is also the first time, i see the motherly figure in my wife revealed by herself.

GOD i am grateful for the week of blessing that YOU give to me and my family. Please take care of your dearest child, my mum. For she had lived the holy ways of the HOLY BIBLE. I believed that she is now in your arms and watching over us. The pain that i am "blessed" guess its a way of revealing new grounds for myself. A moment of reflection and a moment of new start.

1st night

Strange as it seems... ... this is the DAY last week when i sent mum to her final resting place. How fast time passes by. Since Wednesday when i am back to work. This is the first night i am watching and surfacing the net in the living room by myself. With mummy's photo by the altar side. Feels abit strange as i am constantly being "watched" by mum. The feelings and emotions are rather different now as compared to last week.

Looking back at the time in office, this week had been a rather slow and painful week. I just cant focus my mind at work. All concepts and creative are met with constant rejection by oneself. Things that seem so easy for me, are now so hard to be achieve. Many close friends are concern for me. I am grateful for the concerns and care of many who have showered me with them. Many said that time will heal the pain, BUT can time really do that? I am not too sure about that. Maybe, just maybe, time can less the pain but never heal it completely. For me to find out, i guess... ...

a Photo that holds the memory for Sharilyn

While browsing through my photographs in my library. I came across this photograph that was taken during this Chinese New Year. Its on Lunar New year on the first day that i took for Sharilyn and parents. Little was i aware that this photo will be the last and only photo that i took.

Its before the arrival of Matthew Tan. Unfortunate for him, he will never get the chance of having his photographs taken with mummy during Chinese New Year.

This photograph i will embrace for Sharilyn in future for her to remember my mummy dearest. For she loved her so much.

1st dinner meal without Mummy... ...

Sharilyn, my daughter never fails to amaze me in more ways than one. We had our first dinner as a family without our mummy dearest. The meal was prepared by Wendy. She is trying her best to recall how mum used to cook the dishes. Her cookery skills are far from mum. However, she tried her best. Many thanks to my dearest sister.

During this meal, when i ask Sharilyn if the food was nice and tasty... ... without much thinking she praises my sister for her tasty food that she prepared. Much joy for once was brought to this table of Lord.

the pain in Cynthia... ...

Been close to 2 years since i am on a normal working routine. However, for Cynthia, she is lucky to have a more normal work routine after she joined JP. She is the fortunate child to have her precious moments with mum. However, she is in pain. For so much things have been related to her by mum. Certain things and conversations that are not meant for the ears of Wendy and myself. Now she is suffering in anger and pain. I wish that i am able to do something for her. But i know i cant. Not that i dont wish to but for she is not prepare just to "let go" yet.

working late... ...

Been a week since i am working till this hour at 2am. This moment is painful for me. For it just reminds me of the late nights i spent in office going through my work. Its the time i spent in office that i compromised my time at home. Its been close to 2 years since i am on a normal work routine. YES, its been 2 years since i really have a good and quality chat with mum. Its always that 10 to 15 minutes in the morning as i sit in my front yard, smoking and drinking coffee while i chat with mum. Still remembered clearly that its on tuesday morning when i said "farewell to mum". Little did i know and aware that it was the final "farewell" to her. The last ever speech and conversation that i will ever have.

Thinking back, i really that day... ... For its the last ever day that i saw her. How i dearly missed that gentle smile on her face. Everyday and every now, every actions reminds me of her. I know that she still lives in my heart. She is in a better place called Heaven. However, i cant stand the fact that i can no longer communicate with her face to face. Human to human. Nor can i ever touch her again.

Bearing all these in mind. I am worried sick for my dad. For the last 16 years since his retirement, he had spent everyday with mum. He is a man of few words and expression. Focusing on him is hard. Lucky there is Wendy trying to patch things up between him and myself. I love my dad, but for so many years we have failed to communicate. I guess, we are so much the same. Many of my aunties have said that i look and talk pretty much like my dad. Maybe its a "man" thing that stops us from communicating as father and son. I am not sure myself. For the only thing i am sure about, is that he needs me.

Mum dont worry, i will promise you that i will seek the relationship that never took place.